Monthly Archives: April 2013

Befores and Afters

Lottie, in the play Enchanted April, talks about the befores and the afters; she says that sometimes there is a waiting period, a bit of a blank space between the before and the after. I think I am in the waiting space that blank period right now. I am in a holding pattern between my life here in California, the before as it has been for a huge chunk of my life and the after that has not started yet in Ohio. 

Last night the demon of doubt slunk into my thoughts and spread his poison around. He whispered at first, “do you realize what you are leaving?” as he showed the video of all things here I love so much. Then his voice rose to a crescendo as he chanted and screamed the list of unknowns; where you gonna live, what if you run out of money, how about DaBoys they might not be able to adjust to living in the snow, what about Edwin, what about your grandkids, you won’t even have a car!!.His big finish was “you gotta be completely nuts to think you can drive across the United States!!. That last one was as loud as thunder when you are standing right underneath it, how it is felt deep in your bones and your insides. I was laid out flat in bed, crushed under the fear and accusations he spewed out at me.

It was God’s voice that overrode that demon’s voice last night. Softly at first, gently, calmly he placed in my thoughts his own words about this after I am heading into. He reminded me of all the huge list of things he has moved me forward with: the selling of the house, the place to stay between that and the driving off into the sunrise, the selling of the car, the taking care of the dogs and their exceptional behavior, the shake down road trip, the dental for Pepper and for me, the everyday small things he has smoothed over. Sleep came as the list was recounted, sleep and peace and calm.

I had to admit to myself and to God that this is a bit scary. Moving across country is hard enough in itself. Every time I think of something I need it seems to be in Ohio. And the things I have with me here seem to be reproducing when I turn my back on them. I seem to not have what I need and have what I wish I had shipped! The final task here in the O.C. will be to clean, glean and remove things that do not need to be in the SUV with Jan, DaBoys and me as we motor across this great country. 

But the after, that is the scariest. The after in Ohio is quite the big unknown right now. Will I find the right place for me and DaBoys? Will I make it through that first big snow fall without having a black hole of depression swallow me up? What will my life be like? Will I fit in? Will I stick out like a sore thumb like I did when I came from Florida to California as a 10 year old girl? Will my California ways be so foreign to Ohio that I will be rejected? Only God knows the answers to those questions.

So, I will do as Fr. Groeschel said, and put my hand to plow and not look back. Well, not too often right now will I look back. My energies must needs to be applied to the future, the after I am going to. There will be lots of time in the snowed-in days to look back, sigh, and remember the before.

 

 

 

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Courage for the Life Waiting

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -Joseph Campbell

These words literally leapt off the page this morning as I paged through my Facebook news. It was as if it was a direct communication from God posted on Facebook for me and everyone else who is embarking on a different road than they had planned. The wonder and amazement that God chooses to use such human means to speak to us is always first; then the words just sort of hover over the page and lift themselves up to settle in my heart.

This move to Ohio is God’s change in plans for me. I have sold my manor in the Village, I have packed up and sent my whole life of stuff on ahead of me, it is all waiting in a storage unit there for me to come and take it to my new home. Thank the good Lord for cousins willing to be there when the semi pulled up to the gate to deliver all of Annearie’s worldly goods. Without my cousins I would still be floundering and flopping back and forth about this whole thing. God is indeed good to bless me with such loving and caring cousins from both sides of this country.

This is definitely orchestrated and run by God. I say that as I start attempting to remember all the ways he has directed, smoothed, calmed and just generally run things on this monumental task of taking me and my whole life to the other side of this great country. The right buyers, the right moving company, the right bankers, the right friends who were willing to roll up their sleeves and actually pack up my goods and the little items that can trip up all of us just quietly taken care of and made to flow the right way. He has put in my path during those times when I am at my weakest those who are strong enough to assist me, sometimes without me asking or even being able to form the thought to ask.

Soon the next phase will begin; in a little over four weeks my California Cousin and I will put my two dogs in their seatbelts and drive off into the rising sun. It is the Great American Cousin Road Trip. This is a trip we have always wanted to do together, one both our mother’s will be cheering from Heaven, one they would have done themselves if the time had been given them. It is a left over from our childhood of Sunday drives, of trips to see grandparents, of excursions and ‘lets go see what is over there’. We inherited this American form of wanderlust from our parents and grandparents. We just have to go see!!

After all the things I have been experiencing with this turning to the East, I just know that God, his angels and all the love of so very many people will be riding in that car with us. Puppies to be our buddies, road maps, tablets with maps too, smartphones and smart women on board will complete the package as we traverse the highways and byways on our way to Ohio. We will be the SUV with the suitcases all the way to top in the back, dog noses sniffing the new air and prayers surrounding it tooling down the interstate.

And away we go!!

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