Monthly Archives: January 2013

Out of step—again!

I seem to be out of step with the world again. I have offended, pissed off and just generally not been following the world’s plan for me for the last couple of days. Relatives, friends, even my dogs have just gotten discussed with me. It seems I am just out of step with the idea they all have of what my behavior, my words and my total being should be.

How do I tell them, gently and with love, that the plan I follow isn’t there’s? The master plan is from the Master himself. I only know to follow Him, not to be able to explain with charts and grafts and nice 8 x 10 glossy’s what it looks likes from start to finish.

I seem to have to explain myself quite a bit to the rest of the world; well at least it seems to be a requirement to them anyway. I don’t have an explanation for every little thing that is me. I can give reasons sometimes. I can even give background on somethings, but not a detailed explanation of me. I’m not really sure anyone can truly do that. We are all a work in progress. As the saying goes “God is not finished with me yet” so how can I tell the world what I am to be at the finish?

I do know these things about me: I love deeply and completely and in loving I will not stand for someone hurting the people I love. I will speak out, I will say what needs to be said about their hurtful and unloving words and actions. It isn’t being judgmental it is standing with those I love. I am loyal to the very end.

I am intelligent, sometimes I get a bit thick in the head, but I am not stupid! I am able to take care of myself, to run my house, to be a upstanding citizen in my country.

I am independent, sometimes that gets in the way of people, but that is part of my being. I have heard it said about me that I am independent to a fault. Probably true in some ways. It has caused some very deep hurts in my life when others would rather me be dependent on them for their own egos.

I am the person who would, and have more that once, stop the car in the middle of a rainstorm to rescue a dog. I am the one who will cry at the commercials or emails or Facebook posts because they touch my heart. I love movies about love winning in the end. I love museums, classical music, great old rock and roll and beauty in the world around me. I will sit in a garden for hours, at least until the world presses on me to get up and do something.

Walks on beach restore my soul and get me back to center. The beauty of the natural world is the balm for my soul when hurts and worries and pain overwhelm me. When I need to make a life decision it is to nature I turn to rest and think and take the moment out to see things clearly.

When the decision is made, I put my hand to the plow and move forward. All those who second guess me and try to change my decision find me an unmovable rock. I have been told I am stubborn, again to a fault, and yes I can be. As my cousin says “to cut off your nose to spite your face”. Oh yea! That is a family trait! But I must say here that stubbornness has seen me through things would crush someone else. That determinedness of not giving up has got me where I am today.

So, to all those I have offended and hurt and pissed off this last week: I am truly sorry to have wounded you. I will still be me as you will be you. It is as it should be in this glorious world God gave us. We are all different, we need to be ourselves to truly fulfill the commission we have received to live our lives to the fullest.

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Midnight demons

Here it is after midnight on a work night I am still wrestling and worrying and twisting and turning and just generally sort of mauling things around in my head. Things that just won’t rest tonight. Things that seem to need some attention in the dark of the night. I got up after two hours of tossing and flipping and flopping back and forth in bed, disturbing my tired dogs who played and romped at the beach with me today. All they want is a nice winter snooze and I am just not ready to let go of all this jumble of thought racing and rumbling through my head tonight.

So, here I am, sitting at my computer, tapping these words out trying to make some sort of sense out of all the chatter in my head. Worry, the word is just plain worry. I am caught in the unknown. It is a state of almost stark fear of that blank space in front of me. I am in a place of change, of not knowing what that change will bring to me, of not knowing if I am up to the challenge it will bring.

My dream of being a new me is precarious tonight. I see in some dim sort of vision that the dream is still intact, but the demons of what if are doing their work tonight. What if I cannot be what the dream needs me to be? What if I fall short, what if I fail at the new me, the new life I see? What will I do if I cannot live a life that has some fulfillment, some purpose, some pleasures, some peace? What if I find that living away from my best beloved Pacific Ocean just cannot be lived to the fullest?

This all started today. This was supposed to be the day that my former boyfriend left to fly off into the sunrise and sink back into his Michigan life. It was the day marked in my head that I would let go and move into that new life. The day I would leave the dream I had with him where it had withered and spent itself. Instead, he is still here. Changed his ticket to stay another week or so. Not for me, for his Aunt, for his sister mostly, for his cousin—but not for me.

We have talked out the talk of what mysterious forces canceled out our relationship. We have, well really just me I think, talked about feelings, about the things that won’t ever be between us. But I am like Elizabeth in Eat, Pray, Love, I am at turning point in my life and am sort of floundering. (The difference between her and I is basically when she went into the bathroom and prayed she didn’t really know God, I do. I know he is leading me to something else in my life. I am just pretty much terrified tonight that I will not be up to what he is setting before me.)

I guess you could say that Terry is my David. I still do things that a girlfriend would do, let him use the computer (he did leave it so it seems to be fair), help him with the dilemma of finding the ticket to go back to Michigan he was struggling with, I even go so far as to let him borrow my car! The separation is just not complete at all. The tears I spent this morning, the wrestling with the pain are still right there where they were over twelve hours ago. Still as strong, still as incredibly deeply hurtful. The whole thing boils down to what Father said in confession the other day; it is time for a change.

But, lets be honest, change is the most terrifying thing we humans face. We pretend to be thrilled over it when deep down inside we are clinging to our blankies and whimpering. I want to enter into the new life God has in store for me, I am just plain scared of it because I have no clue what the heck is going to happen. He does, he has it all planned out, he has known from the nano second I came into being what would be happening in my life, even in this night of terrors. All he asks is that I trust in his infinite care of me.

So, I will go back to bed soon, I will get as comfortable as I can and reach out and touch DaBoys as they snooze away and ask God to grant me some of the rest they so embrace. And I ask also that he quiet the demons, seal their lips and stop the voices that are telling me I will not make it in the new life, that I should stay where I am and wither away. For tomorrow, I will be his Princess Warrior again, full of strength, full of life and taking his strong, loving hand as he and I strike out on the path of this new life.

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Laguna sojourn

Went to the beach today, with dogs, and with a very disturbed and heavy heart. I really wasn’t too sure as to why I was so down. Some is hereditary, some is the deep of winter and some is life changes. Be that as it may, I took my boys, my former boyfriend who is going back to the deep winter of Michigan soon and my dragon-butt heart and went to the ocean. As my cousin told me last night when Piglet I and Piglet II just needed to touch paws—I wrote.

I come here Lord for your healing.
Your sun, your sand and your sea
to heal me of my soul’s malaise.

Coming here;
hearing the ocean’s whispering voice,
gentle soft words, she speaks.

Feeling the sun’s rays
falling over my whole body
permeating all layers
right down to my very bones.

reflects all of the shores offerings.
Solid in its being
welcoming to every part of nature that comes.
Embracing the whole of the natural world.
Secure in its place,
content in its position in the universe.

The very rocks on the shore
cry out to all
of God’s infinite majesty.
In this glorious beauty is God himself.

I saw dolphins frolic in the sea, I saw a small shark finding his tasty treat, I saw more than one whale blowing air and sea into the sunlight sky today. There is nothing like the Pacific Ocean on a warm January day. Crystal clear water the color of blue-green tropical seas, warm sun spilling over every nook and cranny that just a few days ago were covered with frost and humans being taken for a nice shore walk by their dogs. A terribly perfect day. One not to ever be missed.

My puppies are so tired they could hardly bestir themselves up to eat before curling up in their favorite napping place. They had beach, walking on the cliff, romping—well, learning how to romp maybe—at the dog park all in one day. They are happy, sleepy, content and ready for a long nights snooze.

In thanksgiving for this day, in a loving grateful heart for the shared beauty with creatures of this glorious Earth. And in hearty thanks for getting me out in the grace of it today.

God be praised!

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Joy and contentment

Something I read today made me see things just a bit more clear, see with the eyes of my spirit instead of just the blue ones I was born with. “We all want to see things get better. But where you are right this minute doesn’t have to disturb you. You can choose to believe that God is working and things are changing, and you will see the result of it in due time.” This seemingly simple and so very logical statement got me to thinking: Can I really do that? I certainly do want to do that, I want to live in harmony and contentment which will bring my whole being joy.

My sort of litany comes from Annie Dillard. She says “Just once I wanted a task the required all the joy I had…Having chosen this foolishness I was a free being. How could the world ever stop me, how could I betray myself, if I was not afraid?” Oh how I want to be a free being! Free to try a new thing, free to fail at it and so learn wondrous things. Free to step out of my usual life into one I would never have known if I hunkered down and never let the dreams even present themselves.

There are those in my life right at this juncture who are not so adventurous, even in their imaginations not to mention their dreams. These well meaning people keep attempting to keep me in the center of the usual, normal life they are most content to see me in. They feel it is their duty to point out that I could fall flat on my face; that I might be miserable in the new life I would attempt to carve out of the old. They love me, at least I must go on the premise they do; but I don’t think they know me as well as they believe they do. I know for sure they do not have the dreams I have nor do they have the sense of stepping out into the unknown to see what wonders might just be hiding out there around that tight little corner.

I said before I was a writer, an event planner, a bed and breakfast proprietor—and I know I have whatever it might take to be and do those. Writer I am moving along at, the rest remains to be seen. The difference inside of me is I really do, dare I say I am compelled in so many ways, to find out if I can be the Simple Weddings planner or the San Salvatore proprietor. How alive I feel when I think of those two alter-selves, how my spirit soars with the wings God gave me to take flight into these dreams he planted in my soul.

So, I must play this out, I must step out into the unknown around that corner, I must strive for the joy and contentment and the harmony they produce for me. It is not another’s dream I go toward, it is my own.

Joyce Meyer also said “Life is all about the choices we make, so choose contentment and satisfaction every single day of your life. You won’t go wrong when you do.” Sage advice she has there. I choose to move toward satisfaction inside of me, in my spirit, in my very soul. For that is where God and I have coffee in the morning and where he and I move through each day. Joy, contentment, satisfaction, harmony—they are there right around the next turn in my life.

Altraversiamo—we shall cross over, God and me.

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Free Bird

I AM a writer, who works as a Secretary to put dog food in the bowl and gas in the tank. I AM an Event Planner looking for a perfect venue to plan great and wonderful things. I AM a Bed and Breakfast proprietor waiting to move into my perfect place and for my first guest. I AM not afraid of change, of altravisiamo, of moving forward or moving out.

I am NOT a foolish, ditzy chld who goes off half-cocked, well, at least not for a very long time. Life does that to you when you least expect it, makes you mature and grow up and get some sort of smarts. As nice as it would be to be flighty, as seemingly free it looks like, it really isn’t all that freeing. Flighty, ditzy and foolish are confining. Those things place you in a side spot on the journey of life. They keep you boxed up in the section marked “not smart enough to find way out of a paper bag with the end open and a spotlight shining in” and people just skim over you and never even see you are a real human being. I have been there, in that place, it is not a place I ever will go to willingly again.

I have intelligence. I have a reasonably good brain with nice little snapping synapses that work pretty darn good, thank you. I can balance a check book, I can read books and get what they are saying. I can watch great movies and understand hidden meanings and feel the emotions presented. I understand people, much more than most would like for me too. In short—I am intelligent.

So, when someone says to me “do you know what you are doing”, the answer is YES! I may be blind sided by somethings, but I am resilitant and adaptive. I AM a SURVIVIOR! What ever nasty, horrid things life has thrown at me to stop me in my tracts has not done that.

I will follow Annie Dillards advice. I will be free! I will be living my life according to what it is that makes my spirit soar, my eyes mist in joy and my heart truly glad.

To risk, or try.
To live unbridled.
To give.
To show mercy.
To celebrate.
To savor.
To love.


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