Monthly Archives: November 2012

In the dark of the night

Here I am, sitting at my desk, typing and trying my best not to give in to the darkness that is clinging to the outside edge of my being. It’s November, it’s dark early and winter has finally made its way to California. For the past two days it has been cold, rainy and generally very wintery. Today the wind blew just hard enough to make the jacket not quite enough. It is my absolutely least favorite time of the year. The Winter Solstice can’t come soon enough for me with its turning of the sun back to the earth.

This is doubly hard for me and I fight it tooth and nail to make the all encompassing depression keep its self at bay. I have always hated the dark, as a child I made my Dad patrol my room before I would even get into bed. I would even sleepwalk in order to make the darkness see me as the unpredictable and scarey one. My parents were constantly gently putting me back to bed only to have me wake up half way there and demand cuddles and hugs and more patrolling of the the bedroom.

And this year the battle is even more intense. I broke up with my boyfriend. It was my decision (well, his was an absence of decision which is a decision) and I know that as time goes along it will be lest painful, less of a deep scar on my heart. But Oh My, this incredible loneliness is making this darkness even harder to fight. The pain produces anger, deep seeded anger. I am angry at myself for being so gullible, so needy to have someone to love, that I fell for the sweet sounding lines.

Now, don’t think I think he is a completely horrid person, he really isn’t. He doesn’t know it about himself which is why he avoids a commitment. He has some sterling qualities; compassionate, generous, willing to help no matter what. He seems to have picked the Great White North of Michigan, and people who use him even on his birthday, over me.

How foolish can one woman be I wonder. I feel used, violated, taken advantage of and generally made a complete fool of. I just don’t know what for. His family has been systematically pulling away, or maybe the better description is letting the space that I occupied close. He brought them into my life and he took them out of my life when he returned to Michigan. It is almost like a death, well, yea it is a death. Death of a love affair, death of love.

So, here I am, battling depression and darkness on my own once again. It is as it has been my whole life. Me on one side, the world on the other. The odd man out has been my lot since before I was born I think. My Mom spent her whole life waiting for me to ‘turn up retarded’. My ex-husband never missed an opportunity to point on my stupidity. I have those peppered all over my years who seem to delight in putting me down and using me then discarding me. On days like this one the sadness, the anger and the frustration at myself for not standing up for me are almost overwhelming.

But, I am my mother’s daughter. I am my grandmother’s (both of them) granddaughter. The legacy they and those women of my family before them left me is to absolutely not give up. No matter what. One of those women packed her most precious things into a covered wagon and headed west. Another of them lost a child then her husband and keep living anyway. They are a family women who have coped with the blows of life as best they can; some took to their house and didn’t come out til they had too. Others became so hard and crusty on the outside that they could have repelled anything that came at them. Still others had their own phobias and demons even. But every one of them just keep on. Living, Loving in their own particularly beautiful way.

Because of them, I will not give in. Because of them I will heal and keep trying to love. I will trust in God to lead me out of this present darkness and into the light of love once more. For love is the only thing that is truly real.

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Village Happenings

Village Happenings.

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Because love is the best I can give you

Because love is the best I can give you.

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Because love is the best I can give you

I love my cousins, they are my lifeline to love that accepts, knows the truth, understands without explanation and still are steadfast in their love for me. Priceless they are to me. When one of them is in a shadow or a dark space or  at the end of their rope I am there. Maybe not in the physical for some of them are hours or flights away from me, but definitely in my soul.

In that part of me that strong efforts come from, in that part of me that the thing called empathy springs from, in that part of me that says, “Oh my yes I know exactly how you feel” I am standing next to them. In the darkness I want to be their light. In the cold, grey mist of days I want to be the warm hand that reaches for them and grasps their hand. In the heaviness of heart I want to be their leaning post. If I was a dog, I would be the head pushing against their hand and licking their fingers gently to let them know love is here next to them.

My prayers for them go Heavenward each day. Strong, sure of their answer they are sent forth. God loves them even more than I can ever love them. He knew them before me. He made sure we were in the same family to support and hold each other up when we needed it, for he knew how much we would need each other.

I cry for their pains and hurts and problems, I rejoice in their triumphs and glories. I cannot even begin to imagine my part of this vast world without them in it to share it with.  My cousins are the best gift the good God ever gave me.

I just wish I was more aware of the precious gift of them right from the very first moment I laid eyes on them. Then I would have even more days to love and enjoy them in this world. As Winnie-ther-Pooh says ” If you live to be a hundred and one day, I want to live to be a hundred—so I do not have to live in a world without you”.  In my Hundred Acre Wood there is a Great and Beautiful Cousins Spot!

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Village Happenings

I am sitting her in my living room, with my dogs snoozing on the couch, in the silence thinking of the events and happenings of today.  It was a bit of a difficult day with some surprisings blessings and heart-tugs. It started out quiet, very, very quiet in my little “manor” here in the Village. Then, it sort of escalated into over drive with a vengeance.  Then a bit of a calm center; then whoooop! up to overdrive again.

The first incident was my neighbor, Auntie Norma, and her extreme umbrage at my insistence that she keep my two dogs leashes linked together with the tether I have on them when she walks them.  She called me at work, in tears, to tell me she just didn’t understand and couldn’t walk them any more and she loved them and it really hurt her that I said she wasn’t doing it right. Twice she called to let me know how upset and hurt and sad and crying she was. She would not let me talk at all, she hung up on me before I could even start. It was a calculated jab at me because I would not let her just do it her own way. She has dementia or Alzheimer’s, or maybe both, so I have to give her a bit of the benefit of the doubt. The real problem isn’t so much her and her outburst, it is the buttons in myself that it pushes.

I have a real, deep-seated problem with people who rail at me because I am not conforming to their way of thinking or doing. I have had that problem my whole life. Norma is just the current manifestation of the whole idea that I just might be held liable for someone else’s contentment in this life. It happens to me more than I would like to admit, this feeling of responsibility for others contentment.  That somehow I am personally connected to them so drastically that I must make the world they inhabit OK for them.

This one started when I asked Norma to keep DaBoys leashes together for their safety. Yuri would take himself out for a walkabout in a nano-second if he felt the opening. If he is attached to Pepper’s leash, Pepper the Puppy Anchor will keep him from getting too far away, he just sits down and that’s it!. Norma can be unsteady on her feet sometimes, she has a knee that can give out on her and she falls. I love these two dogs of mine and would not like to think that not saying that to Norma would lead to one of them getting hurt or worse. But here I sit, thinking I have hurt Norma’s feelings and she is telling everyone what a horrible person I am and they are standing there nodding their head and saying “yes, yes, I see”.  I only said she could come and see DaBoys and walk them sometimes when she felt like it because I know how much she loves dogs and doesn’t have one right now and thought it would be better for her to visit sometimes. What a mess!

I cannot help Norma’s disease not take her away from us, millimeters at a time. I do not understand how her brain processes some things. I am not a scientist who can figure that out and comprehend what is happening and know how to circumvent this process. Some day she won’t even know who I am. (She probably will know my dogs!) These little upheavals and incidents seem to be getting closer and closer together. Just a few weeks ago she had notes on her doors that “Annie called on the phone and said not to come down at all—don’t go there” when I didn’t even talk to her. One more nail in the mind-robbing spin down for her.

I did have a small consolation today while I walking DaBoys after work; it was a memory of her sister Nathalie, sitting on her couch, rolling her eyes and muttering “my sister drives me NUTS”. It was like Nathalie was letting me know she knows how hard it is to deal with Norma’s brand of life. Thanks Nat, I needed you today!

 

 

 

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