Here I am, sitting at my desk, typing and trying my best not to give in to the darkness that is clinging to the outside edge of my being. It’s November, it’s dark early and winter has finally made its way to California. For the past two days it has been cold, rainy and generally very wintery. Today the wind blew just hard enough to make the jacket not quite enough. It is my absolutely least favorite time of the year. The Winter Solstice can’t come soon enough for me with its turning of the sun back to the earth.
This is doubly hard for me and I fight it tooth and nail to make the all encompassing depression keep its self at bay. I have always hated the dark, as a child I made my Dad patrol my room before I would even get into bed. I would even sleepwalk in order to make the darkness see me as the unpredictable and scarey one. My parents were constantly gently putting me back to bed only to have me wake up half way there and demand cuddles and hugs and more patrolling of the the bedroom.
And this year the battle is even more intense. I broke up with my boyfriend. It was my decision (well, his was an absence of decision which is a decision) and I know that as time goes along it will be lest painful, less of a deep scar on my heart. But Oh My, this incredible loneliness is making this darkness even harder to fight. The pain produces anger, deep seeded anger. I am angry at myself for being so gullible, so needy to have someone to love, that I fell for the sweet sounding lines.
Now, don’t think I think he is a completely horrid person, he really isn’t. He doesn’t know it about himself which is why he avoids a commitment. He has some sterling qualities; compassionate, generous, willing to help no matter what. He seems to have picked the Great White North of Michigan, and people who use him even on his birthday, over me.
How foolish can one woman be I wonder. I feel used, violated, taken advantage of and generally made a complete fool of. I just don’t know what for. His family has been systematically pulling away, or maybe the better description is letting the space that I occupied close. He brought them into my life and he took them out of my life when he returned to Michigan. It is almost like a death, well, yea it is a death. Death of a love affair, death of love.
So, here I am, battling depression and darkness on my own once again. It is as it has been my whole life. Me on one side, the world on the other. The odd man out has been my lot since before I was born I think. My Mom spent her whole life waiting for me to ‘turn up retarded’. My ex-husband never missed an opportunity to point on my stupidity. I have those peppered all over my years who seem to delight in putting me down and using me then discarding me. On days like this one the sadness, the anger and the frustration at myself for not standing up for me are almost overwhelming.
But, I am my mother’s daughter. I am my grandmother’s (both of them) granddaughter. The legacy they and those women of my family before them left me is to absolutely not give up. No matter what. One of those women packed her most precious things into a covered wagon and headed west. Another of them lost a child then her husband and keep living anyway. They are a family women who have coped with the blows of life as best they can; some took to their house and didn’t come out til they had too. Others became so hard and crusty on the outside that they could have repelled anything that came at them. Still others had their own phobias and demons even. But every one of them just keep on. Living, Loving in their own particularly beautiful way.
Because of them, I will not give in. Because of them I will heal and keep trying to love. I will trust in God to lead me out of this present darkness and into the light of love once more. For love is the only thing that is truly real.